Dear Abuelitas:

I am going through a divorce right now and have been separated from my husband for two months now.  However, on our Facebook profiles, it says we’re still married.  I want to prevent the awkward conversations that have started to pop up from people who don’t know, but I also realize that not everyone on Facebook is a true “friend.”  When is the right time to update my profile?

Sincerely,
The Social Media Spouse 

Querida “Social Media Spouse”

It’s my advice to you that you do it in the middle of the day when people are posting the most and do it right away. Asi things keep moving along and too much attention isn’t paid to your status change. I also think you need to delete the change to your profile or “remove” it, I don’t know what they call it these days pero get rid of whatever FB wants to say about it.

When you change it go ahead and change it so that it doesn’t show who you are with at all because it’s nobody’s business that you are single or not.  In my opinion, no one on FB needs to know who you are with or not. A bunch of metiches anyway. If you want to get real sneaky, also make a little change in your “about” section so that the change becomes more important than the relationship status change. A friend of mine, Gloria, just went through the same thing, but she doesn’t know how to use Facebook so she was getting calls all the way from Santo Domingo asking her why her and her enamorado broke up. You think family telephone game is bad… it gets worse when you have the Facebook. For the rest of you reading this, I say grow up and stop behaving like 13 year olds with who you’re with and who you’re not with, coño. Like my Mami used to say, a woman’s secrets are a woman’s secrets and not everyone needs to know your business. Talk about brushing your teeth if you must, but leave your relación out of it.

Your Abuelita Favorita,

Lalita

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Dear Abuelitas:
I’m a strong, independent woman who’s about to turn 30 and I am still single. My parents, especially my mother, are always breathing down my neck because she wants me to get married, but I still feel like I have too much to do in my life to settle down! I don’t even have time for a boyfriend. Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I already be looking for a husband? I’m caught between tradition and my contemporary life. What do I do?
Con amor,
La Confundida

Querida confundida,
I think you have to think about your life right now, and the life you want to say you had when you are my age. ¿Qué es lo que te importa? Look in your heart and think about what makes you happy. Puede ser que todavia no sabes, and that’s ok. The important thing is not to rush into something you are not ready for, or don’t want, porque you feel pressure from other people — even your mami.

La verdad es que us women do not have limitations anymore. We don’t have to stick to tradition unless we want to. If what makes you happy right now is being the strong, independent woman you are (que alegria me da que you think of yourself that way!) then keep doing what you are doing.

Maybe, down the line, you realize you do want un novio y quieres casarte. Then you can open yourself up to that possibility. But you won’t do yourself or your future husband any favors if the only reason you get married is to please your mami and papi.

Disfruta tu independencia. Be open to possibilities, but make decisions on your own terms. Escucha la voz dentro de ti, y la de nadie más.

Con mucho cariño,
Marta la Cubana

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Dear Abuelitas,

I’m a girl in sixth grade. I’ve known for awhile that I like other girls but it’s something I can’t speak to my parents about. They are very religious but I would like them to know because I have feelings for someone in my class and I’d like to be open about it with them. I don’t think it’s something I should hide. Should I wait to tell them when I’m older? We usually have okay communication but you know how traditions are traditions. I don’t know. What should I do?

Thank you!
Anonymously lost in sixth grade

Querida “Anonymously lost in sixth grade”,

Gracias por tu carta, y por asking las abuelitas for our opinion on this very important decision.

Dejame hacerte un cuento. When I was a little girl, mi mamá y mi papa were very strict y very busy. They never had time to talk to me about my problems, y, muchas veces, decian que my problems eran “cosas de niños” y, for that reason, not very important.

Pero there was one person I could talk to. Mi madrina. Sometimes I needed consejos; sometimes I needed to complain, o gritar, o llorar. My madrina was there for all of it.

You are right, you should not have to hide anything about yourself. But we live en un mundo where some people, sometimes even family, think you should.

Your parents might not be like that, but it sounds like you are afraid they are. So, te digo, take your time. You can tell them whenever you are ready. And, if you are not ready for a long time, that is ok tambien.

In the meantime, si tienes one family member, or friend, or teacher, or anyone you know will love you no matter what, that all you feel from them is love … someone like mi madrina, then tell them. Tell them first. Then, when you decide to tell your parents, you have someone else who has given you strength.

Good luck, mi vida, por siempre.
Marta la Cubana

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Dear Abuelitas,
My brother-in-law has stopped showing up to our family gatherings. My sister has been married to him for about 10 years. He does not make an effort to show up at all. She always has an excuse for his not being there; he is either sick, tired or working when we ask where he is. How do I tell her to stop making excuses for him and that she should force him to attend our family functions? How can I tell her how we feel without hurting her feelings?

Thanks for your advice.

Signed, the concerned sister.

Querida “The Concerned Sister”,

OK. I see what happen here. This is que you’re a little stubborn and she’s a little stubborn también. If anything, blame Mami and Papi for making the DNA so Frank-Sinatra-like, doing it “My Way” y lo que sea. If you both weren’t so asi she probably wouldn’t have married este tal de cual. Pero bueno.

Let me tell you something, este chico is probably over the family thing. And I agree, that’s not good. Family is important and I always tell my family to find time to be together. Pero forcing a man to come to a family function might make what is already a tense thing between him and her worse. And since you’re so family first and all, I think your sister and her happiness is probably most importante here. If you’re giving her the tickity tickity every time she’s over because her sin vergüenza husband doesn’t want to join her then all you’re doing is hurting her two times. One for reminding her you hate her husband and two for reminding her that her husband didn’t want to come to your thing.

No le hagas eso, cha cha. Be better about the whole thing. When your sister is over, love her. This way you build her up. And tambien, over time of feeling that good about being with you and the family who says nice things to her, she might find that maybe she needs a husband that is there with the family. Take it easy y disfruta tu vida mami. Leave tu sister en paz.

- Tu Abuelita favorita, Dulce la Dominicana

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Dear Abuelitas,
My aunt is visiting us and has been here for about a month. I notice that she has been gaining a lot of weight since she got here. She waits until everyone is in bed at night and then watches TV and eats her junk food–chocolates and Coke. She is beginning to waddle when she walks and if we go to the corner store.

I want to tell her that she needs to cut back on her junk food because it’s making her unhealthy without hurting her feelings. How do I do that?

Signed,
The concerned niece who loves her Tia!

Querida “Concerned Niece who loves her Tia”:

Pues sí. I like to eat también, y como me encanta la Coca-Cola, muchacha! It’s criminal.
What worries me is that Latinos have the highest rate of Diabetes, mija, and the way your Tia is eating might lead her down that road if she’s not careful. Pero your talking about how she walks funny y como she’s gained weight and that’s the fastest way to a cocotaso with a Latina. I say, talk to her about the amount of sugar and corn syrup y esa basura in the food she’s eating. Tell her that it causes diabetes in Latinos and how difficult it is to live with diabetes and remember that knowledge is power, mamita. Pero please, no le digas que se está poniendo gorda. Because that would make you a mala and I write people out of my Will for things like that. So, piensa eso.

I think it’s beautiful that you’re worried though, cosita linda. Eso es family first mentality and I have a special place in my corazonsito for that kind of thinking.

-Tu Abuelita favorita, Lalita la Venezolana

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